CCCX #5
3.5 miles in 7 mins 50 seconds
Beg Men 35-44
???? Place, you need to finish reading to the end to find out! Oh Stop it, you know its worth it.
I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! Hi. This is the 2007 Golden Prose Award Winner beginning the road to a repeat. Well, off road actually...... Today's report started at the downhill venue at Sea Otter.
Before I get going, here's a background on downhill MTB Racing: point your bike south, ride as fast as the laws of knobby tires playing nice with physics on dirt allow and hope to God you made the right choice of tire and PSI. Think Beat the Clock meets Han Solo navigating the asteroid field in "Empire Strikes Back," but faster. They also take place on machines that have pedals and tires much like a road bike, only the tires are a little fatter, the bike is squishy on both ends and the riders drink about 20 gallons of energy drinks before the competition. This fascinated me actually, watching someone ride their bike while speaking at a Debbie and Cindy clip of 300 WPM's (words per minute) on a ride was pretty funny! :-) I KID BECAUSE I CARE LADIES!!!
So, I'm watching the Sea Otter DH race, and I'm thinking "why I am I racing my MTB up a hill for God's sake when they have races where you only have to go down??" Oh sure, you need to be under 25 and still on your parents' insurance policy to be really good, but it looked fun. So, when I saw there was a race near by, I figured I'd give it a shot. I also discovered today that pure downhillers don't particularly like the cut of us XC racers jibs.
Judge for yourself from these snippets: "You have a high seatpost, you must be a XC racer, right?" Well yes, but...."you guys are just roadies on MTB's." Well, not really, you see...."you guys can only ride uphill, you're going to have a tough time on the way down." NOW WAIT A DARN MINUTE.... "were that guys legs shaved that just passed us? W-T-BLEEP?" Wait, its not what you think...."hey, those aren't disc brakes." Its to make the bike......."that guy sucks. He's going to lap us by time we push our bikes up hill for our first run." Wow, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings incredibly well muscled, tanned, tattoo'd bad boy image guy that 20 something girls probably get jelly knee'd over..... So, basically, this is the world I played in today, and it was pretty fun. Interesting place though.
I actually had this really well meaning oddball of a human come up to me and shove a shoebox in my face and insist that I "Smell this. What does it smell like?" MY GOD I WAS HOPING IT WASN'T A SAMPLE FROM A CAT BOX. When the sheer terror of being abducted by shoebox boy subsided, the smell was actually quite pleasant. Maple syrup actually. Johnny Appleseed then proceeded to tell us he was going to pick some more of this throughout his day. WHY DO I ATTRACT THESE KINDS OF PEOPLE??? Seriously, I am a freak magnet. Ask me about Pier 39 when I used to work at CitySearch. It is a story that Spielberg, Lucas and Coppola couldn't construct. It ain't for the faint of heart, so it will be strictly "off the air" if you want the gory details.
Anyway, this XC racer roadie guy CRUSHED ALL OF THEM DH FOLKS UPHILL FOR 3.5 MILES as they pushed their bikes while walking. It looked like a convoy of shirpas going uphill. You see, on top of pushing their bikes, they also had in a bag what today's fashionable Major League Baseball catcher wears to receive a 95MPH fastball. So in addition to pushing a 40 lb bike, throw in at least another 20 lbs of Storm Trooper armor on their backs, and there you go. Now, in all honesty if I was going to ride my bike that fast downhill like they can, I'd want as many layers between me and the I.C.U. as possible too.
Since I've never passed this many people uphill in an event, I was tickled pink, I'll be honest. Too bad this wasn't the point of today's exercise. "Oooooooo, is your 40-lb bike too heavy to ride uphill? Want a lift? TOO BAD FULL FACE HELMET GUY!" Well, I actually didn't say this. Funny thing about DH riders. On top of having the most incredible handling skills I've ever seen, they hang out in packs, BIG packs. A lot of them also have tattoos and can be downright pretty darn scary looking. Some of them, this will shock a lot of you who know me, are even BIGGER than me. No, really, I had trouble believing this one too.
So, had I actually verbalized my sentiments, I would be writing this with a 26x2.5 tire tread across my forehead. Who knows how I would have "worn" the body armor if I would have uttered my sentiments. In all seriousness, these guys are incredible athletes who live on the edge of insanity and skill, and blend them both together in one bad ass diplay of bike riding. If you have never seen real DH'ers race, you need to so you can appreciate how good they are.
Another funny thing happened to me on the way to the start. My bike is set up for XC racing to be light going uphill for a climbing advantage, although, oddly enough, this theory doesn't actually apply to me. WHICH IS BS IF YOU ASK ME. I PAY MY TAXES! Whatever God, meanie.
Anyway, I get to the top where the start is, and these three teenagers with disk brakes that have rotors about the size of a man hole cover, look at my bike with complete looks of confusion because:a) I have one of those high seat post thingiesand b) I've got v-brakes on ceramic rimsIt was awesome, because they looked at me like "h-h-h-h-hey m-m-m-m-m-man, how are you g-g-g-g-going to slow your b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bike d-d-d-d-d-d-down?" No this kid wasn't stuttering, this is a prime example of your brain on 1000cc's of Red Bull.
So I ride up for the warm up run, which was great because I spent not pedal stroke one on a trainer today!!! I take the first trip down, and I'm thinking "there are waaaay to many trees giving me dirty looks on the way down." I'm talking Ents mixed up with the Balco crowd. There were also a pack of five very large, very hairy, hulking black four-legged "before" filet mignons side of beef types on the trail as well. Thank God Clarebell on steroids was gone for the actual race. These were definitely not happy cows, and they sure as heck didn't look like they were from California. New Jersey actually.
So the first trip down is a little over nine minutes which really wasn't something to shake a stick at. So for the second run, which was the official one, I figured I was going to have a ride that entailed a whole bunch of things I couldn't tell Jill about lest she make me take up knitting.
So, I'm getting ready to go mentally as I get the countdown. 5....and I'm thinking "wow that guy in front of me almost went through that tree on turn one, man it looks loose" 4......."that, could poten......." 3......"tially make......." 2....."me really sad" 1......"GO!" So, I point my bike south, and pedal like a mad man to get up to mach three before the tree on turn one attacks me too.
There was also this fun little turn that if you didn't quite figure out you needed to go left, A LOT, you were going to get a PhD from the Wile-E-Coyote flight school over a ravine. It was fast, fast, fast all the way down, sand flying around turns, life flashing before my eyes several times, foot out of the pedal to push through a turn, needing a hug from Jill, this race had it all. There was also a sprint to the finish which always stacks the odds in my favor. Unfortunately, after said sprint to the line, there was only about 20 feet to go from 60 to 0.
But, I got through with cow bells a blazen' without a visit from that Murphy guy and his incessant laws. This was by far one of the most enjoyable ways I've pedaled a bike in a long time. Oh sure, there were several moments where I wondered if testing the limits of my insurance premiums like this was a good idea, but overall I had a blast. High speed turns, three foot drops into hair pin (and raising!) turns at 25mph, uphill sprint sections, spectators ringing cowbells and not getting to meet the onsite EMT's personally made this a great day.
So, the moral to this story? Fat tire bikes are your friends, no, really, I promise. AND, if you are going to talk so to someone at a race venue do not, and I repeat, DO NOT have a worm crawling on your chest for the ENTIRE conversation.
Also, DO NOT wear a shiny belt buckle the size of Capt America's shield (according to Jill, I have trouble with these types of things if the sun hits them right) and lastly, DO NOT tell me you did the course in five minutes (FIBBER!), and THEN GET CRUSHED BY ME BY THREE MINUTES MR COOL GUY FROM NEAR PIZMO BEACH!! Especially since I finished in SECOND PLACE!! YAY FOR ME!!
Of course, I owe all of the balance and high speed control of my bike to my trainer from Integrate Performance Fitness. Was that a out of bounds? Maybe even a teensy weensy bit? NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
K.I.T., you're all really cool have a great summer.......
Al
PS: If you have kids, are female, and read this, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!! See, men aren't supposed to be mommies. Well, except for this one talk show freak who has refused to play by this rule that has been in place, oh, I don't know, 100,000 years or so. See, men aren't supposed to bear children........ Well that's not true, I think male sea horses can. But for the most part, mommies typically have the babies. And let's be honest, I don't think my people could handle that kind of "fun" shall we say. I'm just sayen......Where was I? No wonder Jill peppers me with "mm, hm, sure honey," and "that's great honey" all day.
PSS: GO SEE IRON MAN.
PSSS: Bye, no really. This time its for real........
Al Painter, NASM-CPT, BA
President, Integrate Performance Fitness
650.224.4354
